|Posted on April 28, 2022 at 5:35 PM|
March 2020 - Pandemic Quarantine 1.0
There’s Got To Be a Morning After
So here's the thing - I feel like I am living through a Stephen King novel and facing the zombie hoard, literally, on my own. No, I am not sick, but I am not OK. I am the one that is most comfortable reassuring others. I am the strong one, I am independent, I can take care of myself. These are the bedrocks of my identity, my security. That's largely been enough. But none of that works now. Before all this, I was already dealing with a couple heavy emotional blows and didn't have the emotional bandwidth to take another one. So, I played the denial game.
That is until I read an article the other day which stripped the last vestige of denial away. What was normal, doesn't exist anymore, and it’s probably not coming back. Today my dad asked me if I was given the chance to to be evacuated, would I take it. I couldn’t answer him - had no idea what my answer would be. This life I live has always come with its share of uncertainty, but there was always a semblance of a framework. Now, I don't have the slightest guess what is coming next, and that is terrifying. Yes, I do know that out there, somewhere, is the me that got through this, and she is a badass. But right now, I am like everyone else. I am not OK, and please do not let me tell you that I am.
There are some things I am doing that seem to help me a little, and might help you too. The first is giving myself permission to not do it "right": I give myself permission to not worry about recycling, I give myself permission to leave the lights on if I need to push away the dark (and turn the heater on in March), I give myself permission to not be informed about every single development, I give myself permission to feel overwhelmed and I give myself permission to not be overwhelmed. Second, you've heard it before, only because it is true - exercising. It releases endorphins and uses up a lot of time where I don't have to think about anything other than the next set. Finally, finding inspiring things to listen to. I am someone that has always found grace in music. That means so much now and dancing is good for the soul. I have also added podcasts to the que. If you are looking for a suggestion, I recommend this one from Brene' Brown, where she talks directly to what we are all going through.
We may have to slog through the mud for a while yet to find it, but I do believe that there will be a rainbow out there somewhere. We can get there together eventually. I have to hold on to that. [Which reminds me of a song (of course) from Poseidon Adventure (70’s era disaster movie) https://youtu.be/_KClpLzFftU ]
Categories: My Poetry and other thoughts